Wow it's been 4 months!

Hello there, you may remember me from this blog. I hardly blog at all these days, and then one day suddenly i'll think of something and then decide to blog. So here I am.

I wanted to start off this post talking about life's ups and downs, but I feel like i've began a few posts like that already, so it's getting a bit stale. On the other hand it's been 4 months, so who would remember besides me?

Lots of things have happened in the recent and not so recent times, things that I havent told anyone about. As days begin to blur, one into the next, I've begun to question where the hell my life is going. Have I made good choices in life. Some days i'd feel hopeful, and the next i'd feel helpless. I visited the beyond blue organisation's website and had a good read through. Depression. Anxiety. Am I depressed? There's a 1 minute anxiety and depression checklist, which I completed. Reading through the questions I thought i'd pass with flying colours but I scored 'moderate', whatever that means.

Reading more into it I checked out the signs and symptoms. Some things i'd think yeah that's me - not going out anymore? Yeah i've been a bit anti social (or maybe more than a bit). Some i'd think no way - sleeplessness, lack of appetite, unable to concentrate. So I decide to get back on the horse. It's sad that when I think I want to meet new people, I think of grindr et al. Personally, it's more a social app than a hookup app (mostly) but it's like I don't know how to meet people in real life anymore.

And suddenly i'm meeting/scheduled to meet up with a bunch of new people within a few weeks. That makes me happy. I felt more like my old self. My old self being always up for hanging out. A friend wants to go out for a drink or 3 at 11pm? I'm down with that.

The first one was a friend in town for the weekend so we spent Saturday night drinking and hit a club too till the early hours of the morning. It was actually a really fun night, something I felt like I hadn't done in a long time.

The next actually started with a hookup - well we'd chatted years ago but never met up, so we finally did. Then we spent an hour or 2 chatting and actually getting to know each other. Until he kicked me out of his bed. We caught up for drinks the following week (who knew beer needed to be vegan? lol). Then we went for a drive down to the beach (stopped at Maccas on the way) and I dropped him home. I can tell he likes me, but i'm really in a weird place at the moment. Not looking for dates, more mates which I hope he's ok with.

He wanted to catch up again and go for a drive, but then he offered me petrol money. I took that really badly. Wer're not going on a roadtrip! Yeah I know it was a nice gesture on his part but I wasn't seeing it. Maybe it's a matter of pride. Maybe it's a matter of not knowing him so well yet. I gave him a bit of a dressing down (via text) and then apologised which is what I always seem to do, but we'll catch up again soon, i'm sure. Well I think.

That brings us to this week. I had plans for both last night and tonight. The guy from last night suddenly had a work thing come up. Catching up afterwards was a possibility but I didn't hear back from him till this morning - which I thought was not cool. Then I messaged the guy I was supposed to catch up with for drinks tonight to reconfirm we were still on and he let me know he'd accidentally double booked. Maybe afterwards was an option but had to play things by ear (yeah afterwards didn't happen either). That's 0 for 2 this week.

What is it about social meets via grindr/manhunt/scruff that makes them so damn low in the food chain of social catchups? Somewhere between hanging out with a long lost cousin who only contacts you if he wants something and hanging with your homophobic uncle? (Just examples, not actual fact haha). It's almost like if anything else comes along you'd rather be doing that.

Maybe it's just me but if i'd book something in, not only would I be looking forward to it, but if something else comes up i'd turn it down. It's kind of like a first date. You could be a really awesome/funny/amazing/fill in adjective guy, but if we have to take a raincheck before we've even met, thats gotta leave a bad taste in your mouth.

And then there's another guy. Yes we were chatting on grindr for a good few days, got along like a house on fire. Funny, good looking (those 2 really do it for me). And when I load his grindr profile... online 7 days ago. I have a first name, and a street that he lives on. I'm not gonna try and track him down but if he never comes back online, that's pretty sad. I guess that really makes it 0 for 3 this week. I guess I don't need to wonder why i've become anti social...

May next week be a little brighter :)

Life is what you make of it, but I don't know what to make of these...

Thinking back over the past weeks and months i've met some people that really have done my head in. I've talked about one guy already, the one who didn't know what he wanted and changed his mind every 5 seconds. Anyway, we basically settled on staying friends. Which seemed to be fine, until he went dark. At one point he wanted to have dinner with me and then the next he just completely stopped replying to all my texts. Weeks of nothing and then suddenly it's started up again, very slowly. I get the odd snapchat (g rated) from him and I may reply and that's about it. I don't know what the hell that is all about.

Then there was guy #2. We 'met' on scruff. Chatting and texting constantly. Eventually we caught up, meaning I went over to his place and had a couple drinks, finally chatting face to face. Well one thing lead to another, as it always does and we fooled around after which I went home. The next morning I sent him a text thanking him for a fun night. His reply? "No good :(" Not sure what the fuck that was supposed to mean. Certainly it wasn't a positive one. I replied with I think an ok, got it. Or something like that, actually disappointed. Eventually he texted me an apologised as that message wasn't meant for me. Really? WTF. He called, very apologetic about the whole thing, insisted that he had fun and did want to catch up again. Ok he convinced me.

The usual thing happens, lots of texts, chatting away. One day we made more plans. It was firm in that we were doing something, but hadn't finalised what we were going to do. He finishes work at 9. Of course I don't hear another word, until after midnight. He wants me to come over. Um no, so much for finishing work at 9? Oh he finished later and then went out for drinks with colleagues from work. Of course I don't hear from him for a while (like a few weeks) and I think back to when he had to convince me that he really did want to see me again. And I wonder if that was really true... He apologised for being a bad friend and I think things might be back to normal.

I got some travel under my belt, came back a few weeks later and texted him. The response? "Who is this? lol". I guess he didn't save my number, and deleted our message history. Just wonderful. He tried to guess who I was, and was not even in the ball park. After a few clues he figured out who I was, but still didn't remember what my name was. I had thought he was a nice guy, but there's only so many times you'll accept an apology before giving up on someone. And I think i've reached that point now.

Onto guy #3. This was a guy from the gym. I tend to be a more shy and reserved kinda guy. I don't normally approach random guys, i'm not forward in the slightest. But there was this guy, quite attractive and whenever he saw me at the gym he checked me out. That was it. Eventually I began doing the same. Like I'd go to the gym and hope to see him there. One day as I was leaving he saw me and stopped his workout and just looked. I smiled and stupid me instead of actually turning around and going up to him I continued walking out. I was so annoyed with myself, so the next time I saw him I made sure to go up to him and have a chat. I never ever do that so finally I grew some balls.

We had a nice chat at the gym and I was gonna head off so I asked for his number. And he wouldn't give it to me. Or he said he couldn't. It was a work phone and with the work that he did he wasn't allowed to give his number out. Weird I know but I was ok with that and gave him my own number. Of course I had no way to reach him so either I would see him at the gym next or I'd get a phone call. Waiting and waiting and waiting. He called me 3 loooooong days later. Obviously we live in the modern world and i'm used to being able to contact someone I want to instantly. Heck, i'm even used to contacting people I don't like instantly, can you imagine how crazy I must've been going waiting for this phone call?

I had posted a couple questions on facebook about him. Is it normal for someone not to be able to give you their number because they only have a work phone? Responses ranged from 'yes' to 'no he just didn't want to give you his number' and 'just likes the chase'. The next question was how long is normal to expect contact from someone you gave your number to. Most were along the lines of 1-2 days max. I told him what my friends thought of him lol. I saw him at the gym that night and I pushed him on a few things. How about an app on his phone that I can message him on? No not grindr, there are messaging apps out there, he wouldn't have to give me his number but I could message him when I wanted and so could he.

I also asked him how his friends ever contact him. Do they send an email and hope for a quick reply? I pushed on some other things as well. At what point does someone get his number? Dating? In a relationship? move in together? Marriage? It was mostly in jest but I think the whole 'I can't give you my number' is a bit weird. Saw him again at the gym the following night, had a bit of a chat. And then the next morning I get a phone call from a blocked number. Yep it's him. He thinks he's going to get a personal mobile phone. And he thinks we should stay friends. He thinks i'm funny and a cool guy to be around but he's not looking for a relationship and he believes I am. He would love to hang out, be friends, maybe work out together, that's it. He'd like to introduce me to one of his friends (still not sure if i'm supposed to be friends with this other guy or i'm supposed to date him). I was a bit lost for words.

We hadn't dated, we've barely had a few conversations, 2 of those were just mid workout at the gym. What kind of crap was that? Yeah I know I may have pushed him a bit but thats just bullshit. Obviously being comfortable and friendly with each other is important, but i'd be open to seeing where things go. I wasn't saying we're going to get married, but who closes things off before you've even started? No-one spends a few weeks checking someone out at the gym and thinks "i'd like to be his friend".

That's where we currently are and that's what i'm going to tell him next time I see him. As for being his friend, I just don't know. I have no problems making friends, and the more friends the merrier. But this whole thing has just pissed me off.

Dating

Dating, I don't date. Or so my friends tell me. One in fact said he'd love to meet the guy I agree to date because I don't date. Maybe I just don't really consider it dating until it starts getting serious when I am actually dating. Maybe i'm commitment phobic. Maybe I just seem to pick the wrong guys.

There was this one guy. We met at a jewish social event and started chatting on facebook soon after. Then we made (potential) plans to catch up, and then it went downhill. It was Christmastime, he said he'd try but work was crazy at the time and after Christmas he was going overseas for a month. So it might be some till we actually caught up. I will say I wasn't looking at it as a date but maybe there was potential down the track. Even a mutual friend gave his approval, lol.

When he got back from overseas I got in touch. He was still keen but let me know he'd started seeing someone and wasn't sure if I still wanted to catch up that being the case. Well I was still keen. Like I said, I wasn't looking at it like a date, but still it stung a little. At times when he was free I was busy or outta town, when I was in town he was interstate for work. It looked like it'd never happen. Eventually we caught up for drinks. Four freaking months after we first met. I thought it went well, we got along well, and i'm always happy to have a new mate to hang out with.

When the night ended and went downhill. I said we should catch up again, and hopefully sooner than 4 months. He said something along the lines 'i'm sure i'll see you at the next event' (from the group where we met initially). Well that was a big thumbs down if I'd ever heard one. Basically I don't want to hang out but I'm sure i'm bump into you at some point in the future. Yay me. Fuck guys.

Round 2. Argh!

So you probably remember this guy. A wise man told me to forget about him and not to do anything stupid, i.e. shag him. But i'm a woos. While we didn't shag, we kind of made up for the miscommunication about midsumma and he still wants to hang out. I told him a shag would need a discussion before it even had a remote chance of happening, but I was happy to hang out as mates no problem. So we made plans to hang out.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate deciding what to do. Let someone else pick, or at least give me some options if I'm the one who's gonna make the decision. He wouldn't have a bar of it. I had no clue what he enjoys doing but a bit of facebook stalking and I came up with the perfect thing, given the hot weather we were having. I told it was going to be a surprise but he kept on asking what we were doing. I thought it was hilarious and it seemed he did too, all his messages wanting the details ended in a 'lol' or a 'haha' or something like that. A few days before we were supposed to catch up when I still wouldn't tell him he called me an asshole and said he wasn't coming. I told him it was his loss. I figured that was the end of it.

First the 'we can be friends/lovers/nothing' episode and now this. Seriously, I don't know if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I can't handle this shit. He sent me a happy valentines day message and got annoyed when I didn't send him one back and tonight he wanted to hang out and I turned him down. Maybe he'll get the hint or maybe I need to come out with and say I can't be friends with him cos he's an asshole. You can't treat me like crap more than once and then just expect everything to go back to normal. I don't deserve it.

I can't see you again

Having been almost 12 months since I posted last, I've noticed one thing. I don't use the blog in the same way that I used to when I started it. Now it's more when I'm frustrated about something i've got one way to let it all out... on here. Which brings me to this post, Yay.

Recently someone friended me on facebook. He asked if I remembered him (I didn't), apparently he'd messaged me on Grindr a few years back and I never replied (oops). Anyway, we got chatting, seemed to get along well, and made plans to meet up for some drinks. Ended up at his place with a bottle of wine (which I drank most of as he was having beers), and I had some double Jaeger shots and a shot of vodka (I had, not we). We got along well, and I ended up spending the night (and may have fooled around a little). So far so good.

The next day we SMSed quite a bit and he asked if I wanted to come to Midsumma with him. I replied that I'd love to and then he threw a couple questions at me. 1) Do I wanna sleep with him and 2) if I wasn't leaving Melbourne, would I consider dating someone like him?

Question 2 was easier to answer because it was all a hypothetical - since I'm planning on moving interstate. Easy to answer yes. Question 1 wasn't so easy, I didn't have an issue with it, but thought it might make things complicated. Especially since I know he wanted to date me. He was fine with it, staying as mates, even suggested I come over Saturday night too, stay the night, as mates of course.

The next day we were chatting again as one does, and he drops some bombshells. He misses me and wants to fool around again. So much for staying as mates. I put it to him the same way i'd put it to him previously. I have no problem with it, but can he handle fooling around, knowing that is all it's gonna be. First he said no, he wanted the whole package, but then changed his tune to say he likes me, and i'm leaving, so why not make the most of it while we can. So it looked like sex was back on the table. I clarified that sex and/or fooling around is all it was gonna be.

Then he floors me... "I can't see you again." I did not see that coming at all. I figured if he couldn't handle sex without a date we'd just be mates as he'd said we would the day before. I did enjoy hanging out with him and wanted to stay mates. Whatever, that's how the night ended.

The next day he messages me again, clearly he'd seen my facebook status update. I asked why we couldn't be friends? To which he replies, oh ignore what I said yesterday, i'm strong enough to put my feelings for you behind me and continue to be mates. Bloody hell, ok looks like we're back on as friends. So to speak.

Fast forward a few hours later, and he wants to ask me something. Well he can ask next time he sees me. No he'll just ask by text. Turns out he's keen to hookup before I leave. Well isn't this a bit of a rollercoaster ride. We've gone from fooling around, to just friends, to fooling around, to a potential shag, to never seeing each other again, back to friends, back to there being potential for sex. Well at least that's clarified, or is it? I'm still at the point where i'm ok with it, but he's change his mind so many times, who's to say what he'll be feeling in a day or a week? What if we do and then he changes his mind and regrets it? I know that might not be my problem, but it just complicates everything.

Later on that day he asked my plans for the night. I had none, and he suggested I come over and then go with him to Midsumma the next day. Exactly as he'd suggested a few days earlier. I suggested he choose, either Saturday night, or go to Midsumma together as I wanted some time to organise other things for a trip I was going on in a couple days. He chose Midsumma and that was that.

I assumed i'd hear from him sometime the next morning to sort out plans or where we'd meet. I mean he'd brought up Midsumma twice in as many days and both times I said yes I'd go with him. But I wasn't hearing anything from him. Not a word. Had he forgotten? Changed his mind? Eventually it got to about 1.30pm and i figured I'd text him. I asked what he was up to. He replied he was getting sunburnt, lol. He got a lol and thats it from me. Maybe i'm way to fucking sensitive for this game but it was at that point that I wished we'd left it at "I can't see you again".